A dim light shines behind her, illuminating her right side, making her hair glow in the darkness. She slouches forward resting her chin on her knuckles. Eyes tired but focused, reflecting the crowded computer screen. She works on a small round desk, papers scattered around and 5th grade reading books pilled together. Her pencil holder carries erase board markers, and a stapler that reads “Ms.Luna”
It's no surprise she works in an almost pitch black room, it was easier to concentrate with almost no light the few days I worked in that room. Her laptop illuminates her smile as I walk in.
Ms. Luna, my former English teacher and current Principal of KIPP Adelante, has gone far by working hard and being prepared. She says she has never wasted time and she grabs opportunities as they come.
Ms. Luna started working at a paid job at the age of eleven. She continued to balance school and work ever since. When she worked with her mom, she loved cleaning an Archaeology professor's desk. It carried a variety of pictures from all the places he had traveled. There, her love for adventure started.
Looking around her office, I see thank you notes from students, teachers and parents. A brown Adelante award is nicely pinned against a wall behind her. An Adelante awards is given weekly to any student that has shown Teamwork, responsibility, achievement.......
This award was probably given to her by teachers and students. To the side o this award, I spot her San Diego State University bachelor's degree and further up the Leland Stanford Junior University masters degree.
We walk around the school as she supports a new member to the KIPP family, a new 7th grade science teacher. When she walks she sets a strong step, her keys jingle, hanging from a Stanford key chain strapped about her neck. The keys provoke a sharp sound of anxiety, letting know that someone important has stepped in.
I always carried a huge respect for her; she became the only teacher I could connect with. We have similar backgrounds and on our short daily conversations I find more things in common. Even though I have known her for years, I haven't forgotten that she is my authority and I should never disrespect her.
Questions:
How can I make details better? For example, I want to create a vivid image and I can find words to portray her. Can you find any?
Can you imagine what I am describing?
I need to add quotes, how should I do that?
Does she sound important or interesting?
Is my writing organized? I don’t think it’s organized; can you help me switch things around?
thats good! You gave a lot of description and pretty much the background for your interviewee and I think that is really good. The questions are good questions to ask, and the intro is very captivating and interesting.
ReplyDeleteUmm... Whats your headline going to be, and what's your dek (subheadline)? This sounds really good. Lol, I haven't seen ms. Luna in a long while.
ReplyDeleteThe image you described is very vivid, and it's cool because I can picture everything you're saying. I think you should describe her features a little more: tall, long hair, face, outfit, etc. But everything I can picture really clearly.
ReplyDeleteI think you kinda use quotes from her already in there, you just don't state them as quotes, like where you say: "has never wasted time and she grabs opportunities as they come." I think you can just make that one of her quotes f she said that exactly. Umm... like things about her morals and the decisions she's made for her life... if she's said anything about that, you can put that into your article.
She does sound important and she does sound interesting. You're writing is really organized and I understand everything. It's really good.